so here’s the rub
i’m thinking about deleting my tumblr.
this past semester actually didn’t go as well as i wanted (it was fine up until the end, when my motivation tanked and my proclivity for useless internet things skyrocketed along with my ability to stay up until 5 in the morning and wake up at 5 in the afternoon).
but honestly, tumblr is one of the things that distracts me most of all. before it, it was deviantart or facebook. and now even deviantart is a daily barrage of almost 1000 messages that pile up and sit for weeks on end (although i just half-unwatched all of the groups. i’m still technically watching them but won’t get their hundreds of daily messages). league i suppose is also a large offender, but there at least there are set times for individual elements; once one game is over i can call it quits. but on tumblr, the scrolling never stops.
i’m attached to this immaterial world, this hub of mostly useless information, and it’s hard to think of letting it go, since i’ve grown so used to it.
but i think people forget the beauty of a moment… of doing nothing for five minutes.
today, it’s oh look a lull in the conversation, let me play angry birds!
or i’m waiting for my bus, let me scroll through my facebook wall!
or even, i want to avoid human contact, let me scroll through my apps that i never actually use just so i can not talk to passerby i used to know.
no one stops. we’re inundated with information every waking moment. we forget how to look up at the shapes in the clouds on a breezy day, and instead shield our faces and screen our screens from the sun.
i forget how to have a moment. i feel that every second of every day i need to be doing something.
no WONDER i’ve been feeling burned out for the past i don’t know how many years… i’ve never truly had a break! i just go and go and go until my eyelids are too heavy to keep up, or until the important things that take hold after i settle enough to let them in get done. like now. this is useless, but meaningful to me. and before that i was reading the last half of a book until 3 in the morning.
and now i’m shaking and exhausted and there’s no way i’m getting the full 12 hours of sleep that i want (and on the days i do get that, then i’m up even later).
my new year’s resolution, which i’ve already started by minimizing my deviantart messages, is to severely limit my time spent doing useless things. to learn what it means to be. to knock out this ridiculously unsustainable schedule i’ve gotten myself on over the past like 8 years. to pick myself back up once again in school, and ace this next semester and every semester or endeavor after that. i have the potential, i just need the discipline that i’ve always lacked.
so although i’m not courageous enough to throw away my addiction to the infinite scroll, i think i’ll stash it somewhere out of sight, out of mind. or tell one of my friends to change the password to something that i may eventually be able to guess or ask for it back if and when i get my life back under control.